February 13, 2013

My phone rang. I groaned, rolling over in my dorm room bed. The blue screen was flashing “matty.” It was 11 pm but I was already in bed because track workouts were killing me.

“Kaaaaaaaaaatie!” he cried into the phone.

“Are you drunk?” I mumbled, grumpy.

“No no! Just excited to talk you,” he said in that same tone. “We are playing ping pong and about to go to a party but I wanted to talk you.”

“I miss you,” I said, waking up slightly.

“I know! What’s up!?”

“I’m just tired from running so much and school, and missing everyone,” I said. “Hey I want you to listen to a song with me.”

“Okay!” he said.

Recently Josh had told me about a song by Magnet that for some reason I felt the urge to share with Matt, right then.

I pulled up my computer and opened my iTunes, scrolling to the song.

“So how’s Joe?” I asked.

“He’s awesome!” Matt exclaimed.  I could hear the yelling and back ground noises of boys paling around.

“It’s so loud,” I complained.

“Okay, okay! I will go outside for a minute.”

“Okay here it is.”

I played the song through my phone from the computer. It has pretty depressing lyrics.

“I see your face on every corner of every street
You spend you days just waiting for your next defeat
But I can only tell you what I know
And all I know is that I just don’t know
I’ll get through this if I hold on
Cause the truth is I’m not alone
I’ll get through this if I hang on
The truth is I’m not alone
I’m not on my own
& you are not alone
It’s just hard sometimes to carry on
No I’m not on my own
& you are not alone
It’s just hard sometimes, so hard sometimes
But we got to hold on”

“Nice! That’s pretty,” he said. “You are adorable!”

“Matt!” I lectured. He knew he wasn’t supposed to go down that road.  Over Christmas break we had been incredibly awkward, especially with me starting to have feelings for another person that wasn’t him…again. 

Even though now that I think about it, I should have listened to his warning, because he turned out to be right. As usual.

We had gotten into another bad fight, the kind you can only have with someone who knows you so well they know exactly how to hurt you. He was so protective it came off as bossy and controlling sometimes, and I was cruel and judgmental. He barely looked at me the few times we saw each other over the break until I begged his forgiveness.  He finally forgave me the night he flew to the Cayman Islands with his sister, but I had to go back to Georgia while he was still gone. Since going back to school we had started a tentative phone friendship that was going great. I wasn’t surprised about that, when we weren’t fighting everything ran smoothly.

“I know, it is just the truth Kaaatie!” I could tell he was smiling.

“Okay Matty, I have to go to bed now for real,” I yawned.

“Okay, bye girl.”

“Bye Matt, don’t do anything stupid. Don’t even get me started on that frat again.”

“I won’t!” He hung up.

I fell into a deep sleep, and when my alarm went off for early practice, I was surprised to notice I had some texts from a girl named Courtney. She was on my high school team, but I hadn’t heard from her at all since I’d graduated.

“Hey call me.”

“Hey please call me. Before you do anything else.”

I noticed I also had a missed call from Matt around 1 am.

I called Courtney and her phone rang once. When she picked up, I could hear the noises of school in the background.

“Katie, aren’t you friends with someone named Matt?”

“Matt Ansier? Yeah,” I said, confused.

“Katie, I think he is dead.”

“What?”

“I was talking to Jordan and she said it happened last night, and mentioned that you and Cindy were like really good friends with him.”

My stomach knotted. What? It was not clicking in my brain.

“You must be mistaken,” I said.

“I might be,” she said. “I just wanted you to know. I have to go though.”

My brain started to slow down. What? This made no sense. Hadn’t he just called me? Suddenly, it clicked. All I would have to do was return his phone call and he would answer and laugh that everyone must be confused.

I clicked the call number, starting to feel reassured. It rang and rang.

That’s weird. I started to get nervous and my stomach hurt. I called my dad, who worked with Matt’s stepdad and left a voicemail for him to call me. In a haze, I packed up my stuff and went to practice and my first class. Halfway through, I saw my dad’s ID popping up on my phone. I grabbed my stuff and rushed out of the class, walking down the hall of the SLC.

“Hi dad,” I said. “Is Matt’s dad at work?”

“I haven’t heard anything specific,” he said. “But he is out of the office for a family emergency.”

I turned the corner of the SLC toward Jittery Joes and my stomach dropped out of my body. I started to slide down to the floor and before I realized it, I was sitting on the ground in the hallway.

“What?” I whispered. “Will you please let me know if you find out anything?”

“Yes. I love you”

Once again, I pulled out my phone and dialed Matt’s number. No answer this time and a weird screeching sound. I started to panic.

I tried to call Cindy. No response.

I tried to call Heather. She answered, breathless.

“Heather, have you heard anything about Matt?” I asked.

“I heard that a guy died named Matt Ansier,” she said, sounding unconcerned.

“What?” I cried.

“Who is that?” she asked.

“Heather, that is our Matt.”

“Oh, I never knew his last name….are you serious?” her voice started to shake.

“Yes!” I cried back. “I have to go.” I hung up the phone and held my head in my hands. All signs were pointing that Courtney had been right, but I didn’t want to believe it yet. I had to go to my Spanish class, so I gathered myself and walked across campus, my mind blank.

I sat in class, my mind numb to everything that my red-haired, extremely pale teacher was saying. My phone lit up and I saw it was Cindy’s number. Finally. Not even knowing what I was doing I grabbed my stuff and ran out the door.

“Cindy!” I cried. All I could here was sobbing.

“Oh my gosh, no.  It’s true isn’t it?” I tried to stay calm but started to hyperventilate. I sank down onto the back steps of the History building. It was a beautiful day outside, and for some reason I noticed.

“He’s gone!” she sobbed.

“Who told you?” I asked.

“I got some texts from random people,” she cried.

I started to feel angry. Why was it okay to tell someone their best friend is dead over text?

“That is not okay!” I cried.

“I know, I know. Katie, I can’t do this.”

“What happened, exactly?” I asked, realizing I knew nothing.

“Him and Joe left a party and crashed the car into a river.”

“Were they drunk?” I asked, starting to feel horrified. Imagining our strong best friend floating in the water, trapped in the car. The purple-to-me and blue-to-him car. The car we had continually drawn inappropriate things on to embarrass him.

“I don’t know,” she said. My mind kept replaying the terrible images; I couldn’t get them out of my head.

We sat there for a few minutes crying on the phone. My mind started to flash back to his face, his eyes, his laugh, the fact that we had talked hours earlier. It was unreal, like some practical joke or something. But one that hurt.

“I have to come home,” I finally said. “When is the funeral?”

“Monday.”

I called my parents and begged them to let me come home. Luckily they had sky miles for me to use. I called my coach and told him I couldn’t race that weekend. I walked back into the building and ran straight into my Spanish teacher.

“Where did you go?” he asked. “You probably shouldn’t just leave class like that.”

“Sorry,” I said, feeling extremely unattached to myself, sort of like a robot. “My best friend just died.” I walked away before he could give me any sympathy. I kept walking outside, not crying, just in the weird floating mood where nothing seemed real.

My phone rang again.

“Hi Josh.”

“Hey, where have you been?”

“Matt is dead,” I said, feeling sick that those three words were coming out of my mouth.

“What?”

I told him what I knew, still feeling unattached and unemotional. I told him how I was going to come home, so I would probably see him.

“Weird,” he said. “Why are you coming home? I thought you didn’t care about him.”

I suddenly felt like I was going to throw up and my head started spinning.

“No,” I said, crying. “You are wrong.”

I hung up the phone. I realized he was right to think those things. It was all my fault. Learning from past experiences, I had played down my friendship with Matt to him so he wouldn’t be jealous and “ban” me from talking to him.  I always called him when Matt and I were in a fight as well, so that was all he knew.

Soon I was angry at myself for saying those things. Angry at him for daring to voice his opinion. Angry at Matt for leaving me all alone in this. I felt so sick and nauseous—the way you feel when you know you have done something wrong. When there is nothing you can do to change it.

Every morning I wake up, hoping that this has been a nightmare. 

But reality hits, and I have to keep living without you. You were a rock in my life that kept me from sinking. When you left, I was set afloat, and wandered aimlessly until God had to come out and drag me back in. 
Lately I have been completely dry of emotions, maybe because I dont want to admit to myself this is real, or maybe because I know that you are happy and I am going to see you again so there is no reason to be sad. 
I dont know. All I know is that I miss you. I know it’s completely selfish, but I want you here with me.

February 13, 2013

I followed him out to his car parked across and down the street because so many people were at my house.

“Why are you leaving already?” As I asked this I felt my eyes start to water. He was the only one that night that made me cry when he left.

“Joey and Nick want me to go over to the party now,” he said, looking anxious to leave.

“Matt! You want to drink so badly that you are leaving early?” My voice faded from angry to disappointed. “Don’t you realize I won’t see you for three months? We’ve been inseparable all summer!”

“Kate. It will be fine. You wanted to go there. And I’ll get a bike and drive out to see you,” he said, smiling.  He held out his arms and I fell into them. He pushed me back so I was facing him, and looked me in the eyes. The light from the street lamp gave us both an eerie glow in the summer night.

“Don’t ever change Katie Weise. Not for anyone or anything.”

“Please don’t go,” I said, trying to be brave. He hugged me again, like he never wanted to let go, but after a minute pulled away. If only I had known that would be the last real hug I would ever get from him. I would have tried with all my might to attach myself to him so he couldn’t go to San Angelo,  wouldn’t join that stupid frat that made him burn himself with cigarettes, he couldn’t go to that party, and he wouldn’t get in that car that night.

“Go back inside, all your friends are in there to say goodbye to you.”

“I don’t care.”

“Katie.”

“Okay, I’ll miss you,” my eyes watered.

“Call me tomorrow,” he said.

I tried to capture a picture of him in my mind as he got in his car and drove away to the stupid party.

12:19pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZUsBZye3bJwj
  
Filed under: writing high school matt 
February 13, 2013

I fall into your secret world.  I can see it plainly as I look into your green eyes. They stare me down in the dark. I can tell you just want to scream the truth openly displayed in your eyes at me, the truth that I try my hardest not to see.  I close my eyes so you can’t see what I’m thinking. I don’t want you to enter my world, the world where all I can imagine is reaching out and taking your hand, or staying up all night under the stars telling you everything.

But my eyes have to stay closed.  I have to keep you out.

Every time I’m near you, the dancers in my stomach start twirling a ballet.  My heart jumps as I put my arms through yours and we walk under the tunnel of starry light. 

But then I remember that I’m not yours, I’m prisoner to another.  I feel the weight he puts on me, holding me down, and I don’t think I will be able to bear it anymore…

….until you come along in the form of a prison guard with the key to my cell, along with some felt and an old bracelet that you know will take my stress away.  You give me the key, but tell me that I have to unlock the door myself.  “What if someone takes my place in the cell?” I ask you, afraid and jealous.

“She already has” you remind me, pointing to the big eyed girl behind you. 

“To be completely free you are going to have to completely let go of everything that is keeping you here”.

You smile at me with those uneven eyes, and I put the key in the lock, unlock it with a loud squeak, take your hand, and follow you to wherever we are going—leaving her in my place wailing with the pain that I once put up with.


My heart pounded as I unfolded his letter.

Here I am again wondering about you, again.
I know I shouldn’t and I wish I wouldn’t, but you’re my vice and there’s no cure and I don’t care. Yet, here I sit contemplating next year when you’ll be gone and I can’t imagine not seeing you for a year, maybe. I imagine your depart leaving me with things I wish I had done or said but I was just too much of a coward and afraid of rejection, but I know once you’re gone all I will want is to go back to my most cowardly of moments and not fear what you might think and just show you exactly how I felt and pray my courage rubs off on you.

You tell me I think too much, but all I think about is you. I don’t know what it is about you that I can’t stop clinging too, you’re not what I’ve wanted in the past but you’re what i want. i wish that you would just break my heart or take my heart once and for all because the waiting is something I can’t stand, because like you patience isn’t my strong suit.
I can’t help but think about what you wrote and wonder, still, how you could just push that say so easily when you knew it was mutual. and by telling me you were afraid, I begin to feel empty because that’s my fear; that I’ll be too afraid to go out on a limb and take chances with you, because if I don’t I fear losing you but if I do i might lose you and our friendship and id rather die than suffer through that. wherin lies my dilemma; wait for you under the cold stars, alone, as you’re warm inside with him, or knock on your door and offer you my coat.

And sometimes I get nervous when I talk to you cus I want to say the right things. And I hate talking a bout him and you know I do but I know you care for him and that drives me up a wall because I know I would do so much better for you if you’d let me try and I have a feeling you think so too, but it always seems to come back to which one of us will be more courageous. but you wonder whether or not its worth it before college, and so do i, but for now I’d rather just appreciate every second I get to be around you. I know I’m just rambling but this is on my mind and I didn’t want to forget it.
I hope this makes sense…I’m going on a limb, a risky, shaky limb, by giving this to you, but its just too cold outside.

Why was this such a hard decision? Why can’t I decide what I want? Do I not know myself at all? I started to cry and fell asleep dreaming of shoes and a pair of huge eyes chasing me down a road that led nowhere.

 

“We need to talk”.

The famous last words. Last words of what? We weren’t together, so we couldn’t be “broken up”.  It was 1 in the morning when you finally showed up at my doorstep. I almost cried when I saw you. Your eyes showed how hurt you were, and it was all my fault. I felt like I was in some sort of sick soap opera, and my heart started to hurt. Why did I do this?

“You played me Katie Weise”

I felt like I was stung by a bee, even though I knew the words were true.  You couldn’t even look me in the eyes, and I knew I was still hurting you while we were both standing there under the stars.  I knew everything you told me was true, and I was a terrible person.  I had known that something good couldn’t have come out of this, but I had just ignored it until it escalated.  I wish I didn’t hurt you. But I did, and now I am hurting. I shouldn’t have let you get to me, or else this wouldn’t have been a problem.  You say it all was a lie, meaningless, but it wasn’t. I never lied to you, I fell for you more and more every time we were together. I can’t get your broken face out of my mind. I let you trust me and led you down the path, but at the end pushed you off the cliff and ran back where I came from. You came and flipped my world upside down, for the first time I started to drift away from my connection.  It was all worthless, I just let you down.

February 12, 2013

As we walked out to the trampoline, I hugged myself to keep warm from the cool December breeze. I kicked off my shoes and climbed onto the trampoline. Matt landed a few feet away from me and started jumping.

“Come on lazy bones!” he yelled on the way down from a jump.

I smiled and got up. Immediately I was thrown 5,000 feet into the air. I hate jumping on the trampoline, especially with a boy.

“Matt, what do you want to be when you grow up?” I asked between jumps.

“I don’t know.” Jump. “I want to travel though.” Jump. “Everywhere I can.” Jump. “What about” Jump “you?” Jump.

“I want to be a writer,” I said, watching him zoom up and down. He looked so free and happy.

He stopped jumping. “Good,” he said. “Want to see me do a back flip?”

“Like you can do one,” I scoffed.

“Yeah, well watch this!” But instead of flipping in the air, he jumped at me and tackled me to the floor. We lay there, looking at the night for awhile, and I kept his arms around me. I never wanted him to let me go, or this night to end.  I’ll never forget the way his eyes shone when he turned and looked at me that night. Or the way my stomach collapsed and ceased to exist. Everything disappeared, the backyard full of dog crap, the back porch a few feet away, and the small fact that I sort of had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who for some reason I thought was worth keeping around, who I apparently “loved” even though he never once made me feel the way I felt that night as I slid my hand into Matt’s.

Cindy and Al had locked us outside, but even though I was freezing and normally would want to be inside immediately, this time I hoped she never came to unlock the door. Everything that was so complicated in my mind seemed incredibly unimportant and smaller than my pet rock Henry.

The door squeaked and Thomas came to let us in. We let go and went inside. They were sitting in the living room watching Rocky Horror for probably the ninth time. Thomas sat down semi-next to Al, and Matt and I sat on the floor. He pulled a pillow close to him and put it over his hand. I snuck my hand under the soft refuge and his fingers clasped mine gently.  There goes my stomach again.

I think Cindy noticed because she suddenly became very interested in the TV.

“I’m so hungry,” Thomas whined. “Alison, let’s go to Taco Bell.”

“Yeah, let’s go,” Matt agreed, pulling my arm over and trying to steal my bracelet.

“Yeah, we can go,” Al said, standing up and slipping on her Vans.

Even though it was near midnight, Cindy’s parents never noticed or cared what we were doing. We could, and had, gone out until 5 am. They also didn’t care who spent the night, so whenever we wanted to do something late we always stayed at Cyn’s. In the car I sat between Matt and Cyn in the back seat.

“Listen to these guys,” Thomas said, putting in a CD.

“But I want to listen my new Say Anything CD,” Alison interjected.

“Nope,” he said, turning up the music so loud I couldn’t think. That was okay though because I couldn’t think anyway with Matt holding my hand and sitting so close to me.

“Ahhh this is terrible!” Cindy moan-yelled and started making up her own lyrics to the hardcore screaming music.

When we pulled back into the driveway, Alison announced she was going home. Thomas waved goodbye and walked back to his house two doors away.  Al pulled out of the driveway, turned around and disappeared down the street.

Matt, Cyn and I stood under the street light trying to decide what we should do the next day, Saturday.

“I don’t know,” Cindy said, yawning. “I’ll call you guys when I get up.”

“Okay, I’ll probably be back from Town Lake at like 11,” I replied.

“Oh yeah, you still have long runs?” she asked.

“Yeah, it sucks.”

She gave Matt a hug and walked inside. I started to walk towards my car when I heard “Oh, okay Katie, no hug huh?”

I turned around and walked back over to him.

“You are ridiculous.”

“Whatever,” he said. “Don’t give me that.”

I gave him a hug and told him I’d see him later.

“No, no, come back,” he said. The famous “no, no” how could I resist? I let him give me another hug.

“Okay, okay, I have to go!” I said in fake panic. (You know I was loving every second of this attention.)

“Bye Katie.”  He smiled and got in his car.  I watched him speed away and remembered my keys were in Cyn’s house. I opened the door quietly, but it was useless. Cindy was sitting on the stairs. I had some explaining to do.

February 12, 2013

I rushed home from school. I had to meet Briana and Matt at five to go to the show. I ran into my house, the screen door swinging back and forth until it finally slammed shut. By that time though, I had already bounded up the stairs, yelling “hey!” at my mom and thrown my backpack down.  I rummaged through my closet until I found my favorite shirt and shoved it over my head while kicking my sandals off.

“Why is this not fitting?!” I angrily said to myself.

I realized I hadn’t taken my other shirt off.

“Argg! I don’t have time for this!” I groaned in frustration.

After I straightened the shirt situation out, I grabbed my converse shoes and keys and flew out the front door. Before I could make it fully out I was stopped by “Kaatiee!”

“Yes mother?”

“Where are you going?”

 I sighed in defeat. I was going to be late. My thoughts led me away in a vision where the traffic was awful, we missed the show, and my new friends never talked to me again, only about me, soiling my image, causing me to quit work, give up on school, and end up a homeless person holding up a sign, begging pity…

“Katie?”
“Mom, I told you thirty times that I am going downtown tonight.”

“It’s a school night though!”

“Mom. It’s an early show, I’ve talked about this to you already.”

“Okay, well have fun. Wait, who are going with?”

“Matt and Briana.”

“Who are they?”

“People from work, I already told you.”

My phone started to ring.

“That’s them, I gotta go!”

The five minute drive seemed like two hours. When I finally pulled into the parking lot, I looked around for Matt’s car. The shining purple glare drew my eyes immediately. I parked next to them and they waved me over. I smiled and climbed in the back of the car Matt would always claim was blue.

“Hey guys.”

“Kaaaatie!” Matt exclaimed while pulling out quickly.

“Matt’s not the safest driver,” Briana pretended to whisper to me.

“Shut up Bri! Oh! Banana!” he yelled.

“What?! Where? Oh fuck you’re right.” Briana said as she hit the low ceiling in frustration.

I started to examine my surroundings while they peeled their eyes for yellow vehicles. There was trash all around me. Empty water bottles, Sonic bags, clothes, shoes and weight lifting magazine.

“Matt, what is this for?” I interrupted their argument about Banana points.

“What? Oh,” he looked at me in the rearview mirror while speedily shifting lanes, barely missing the closest car.

“Fuck Matt! Pay attention!” Briana yelled.

“Briana shut up and let me drive!”

“I would if you weren’t about to kill us!”

I retreated into my own world, letting their angry voices fade out of my attention. After we got through some awful traffic, found a parking space and walked to Emo’s, I was vastly impatient. But at the same time I was excited and happy.

“How old are ya?” the huge tattooed man at the door asked gruffly.

“Not old enough to drink,” I replied.

He took my hands and stamped huge purple x’s in the middle of them. The show hadn’t started yet and there were teenagers everywhere. Matt and Briana rushed over to the merch table, but I told  them I’d meet them over there because I had spotted a tall boy in a green Yes shirt. I walked over to him.

“Hey Mike.”

He twitched and looked at me.

“Oh hey Katie,” he said in a deep, robot-like voice.

“I didn’t know you would be here!” I falsely exclaimed, knowing cheerfulness made him awkward.

“Uh…yeah.” He replied, looking around, trying to escape. An awkward silence followed.

“Katie!” I heard before I was attacked by a huge bear hug. I untangled myself and stepped back.

“Nathan!”

Nathan was the ex-boyfriend of my friend James.

“Hi sweetheart! I’m glad I found you,” he said, pecking me on the cheek.

Before I could say anything, Matt tapped me on the shoulder, a strange look in his eyes. Nathan stared at him for a minute and another awkward silence settled over us. Man, I was raking them in tonight. Luckily, music burst through the air and we all turned our attention to some band called Mashlin. Briana grabbed my hand and Matt’s and dragged us through the sweaty crowd to the front.

It seemed like forever until they were done playing. The singer had a mousey-Erkel-ish voice that was driving me insane. As soon as they were done, the crowd rushed forward, pushing and shoving to get close. I didn’t understand what was going on until Anthony Green stepped on stage. I had forgotten Circa Survive was playing.

The next 45 minutes were spent listening to the worst music in the history of the world. Okay, not that bad but still. During this torture, Matt and Bri got into another fight. I had no clue what it was about this time, but soon I was dragged away by Brianna. I sent Matt a helpless apologetic glance, but his eyes still had the strange glare in them.

“Briana!” I yelled, but MuteMath took the stage and I was mesmerized by the drummer taping his headphones to his head.

“They were amazing,” I told Bri when they were done, but she was too busy harassing some random guy.

“Briana really is someone you want to be with not against,” I mumbled to myself.

“Yeah, no kidding.”

I turned around, surprised that someone had heard me.

“Hey Matt.”

“Hey.”

“Why are you guys friends?” I asked, motioning to Briana.

Before he could answer she turned and saw me talking to him. She gave me an angry look, crossed her arms and turned around.

“Wow,” I said.

“Let’s go,” Matt said, disappearing into the crowd.

I grabbed Bri’s arm and pulled her behind me. I had no clue where Matt had gone. Great. Before I could get too frustrated, I felt a hand enclose mine and it led me through the people.

“There you are!” I yelled, jumping on him and giving him a huge hug. After the show was over, Briana was randomly happy again and as walked back to the car jabbered on and on about how good Mae was.  Nothing she was saying stuck in my mind. Yes, the show had been fun, but I couldn’t shake the butterflies in my stomach that took flight the instant Matt had grabbed my hand. I had been with Justin for a year and couldn’t remember feeling like this in forever. Did I have a crush on Matt?

Matt dropped Briana off at her house before driving me to my car. As we pulled into the parking lot, he noticed my awful parking job.

“Wow, Katie,” he said.

“Hey I was in a hurry!” I said, hitting him in the arm.

“Sure, sure.” He smiled at me and I melted. “Did you have fun tonight?” he asked as I opened the door to get out.

“Yeah, thanks for taking me,” I said. “See you at work tomorrow?”

“No, I don’t have to work,” he replied. “But wait, let me give you a hug.”

He jumped out of his car and held his arms out, beckoning to me. I laughed and walked over into his arms. He held me for a few seconds and then let go. I stood there, one of my arms crossed.

“Hey, I never checked to see how you were doing,” he asked, concern flooding into his eyes.

“Well, it is still incredibly awkward around Janna,” I said, meeting his eyes.

“Yeah, I talked to her yesterday about it.”

“What?” I asked, surprised. “You guys are friends?”

“No.”

I realized he was already protective of me. I didn’t know if that was good or bad.

“Wait, you still have that girlfriend right?” I asked.

“Yeah, she made out with some guy when she was drunk, but I am thinking about giving her another chance.”

He seemed extremely pained or maybe embarrassed about it.

“Well, if you love her, I guess that’s good. Just don’t get hurt.”

“I know. I thought I forgave her, but I can’t stop thinking about it. And she’s also so far away.” He kicked the ground. “I don’t know if it is worth it.”

“Matt, I know it sucks, but I guess you have to either get over it or get out because you can’t hold this over her head forever. It’s not fair to her or you.”

“Yeah.”

I put my hands on his shoulders, facing him.

“Listen to me Matthew. You are an awesome guy and I know you will make the best decision. Figure out what’s important and I’ll always be here for you if you need anything, okay?”

“Same here, Katie. I’m proud of how strong you are.”

“Sometimes. But hey, I am going to get locked in the closet and tortured if I don’t get home soon.”

“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow. Is that cool?”

“Yeah. And hey Matt,” I said, turning around as he got in his car.

“Yeah?” he asked.

“Drive careful.”

February 12, 2013

“Hey call me after you get off,” Cindy said as I pulled on the tie-dye shirt that was somehow a uniform.

“Okay,” I mumbled. I was not looking forward to six hours of work; four of those with Janna. I grabbed my keys and on the five minute drive listened to Underoath the loudest my lousy speakers would go. The pain I had felt last night had shifted to anger towards Janna.

I grabbed my apron and put on an unreadable face of stone. As soon as I saw Briana, I cheered up. She noticed I was upset and when I told her why she got incredibly angry. The two hours we worked before Janna got there were spent conversing about all the mean things were going to do, like push her into the slush machine or maybe pour burning coffee on her face. As soon as she walked in the door though, my stomach dropped and I felt tears threatening.

Somehow my manager, who was usually a jerk, noticed what happened and beckoned me over.

“You can go,” he said.

I was surprised but took advantage of this rare moment of kindness. I mean this was the guy who tried to rip off all the new carhops, or at least sleep with them. I avoided eye contact with her until right before I left. She looked scared. I felt sick. I rushed out the back, but before I could make it out the door, I felt a hand grab my upper arm.

“Are you alright Katie?”

I turned around to see Matt, a boy I hadn’t really talked to in my few months working. Looking into his kind eyes, that I noticed were uneven, my tears escaped.  This guy didn’t even know me and cared.

“Janna made out with my boyfriend,” I said.  Before I knew it, I was engulfed in his arms.

“Katie, that just happened to me. Give me your phone number, I’ll call you later.”

“Okay, I said,” giving him my number. How could I know that one interaction would change my entire life?

I walked out of work that night feeling 80 tons better. When I got home, as soon as I opened the door it felt like I was thrown into a war zone. Little action figures, hot wheels, Barbie heads and bananas were being thrown at me.

“Thank you Justin,” I said to my brother and walked to my room. I had dreadful statistics homework waiting for me like a vampire lurking in the shadows.

My cell phone beeped. I immediately dropped my pencil and dove for the Nokia. Anything to distract me from math. It was a text message from a number I had never seen before that said, “Holla!”

“Who” I typed as slow as someone from the 80s trying a computer for the first time, hey texting was new and I wasn’t technically supposed to be doing it since it was 10 cents, “Is this?”

I had maybe just a slight inkling who it was, but sent it anyway. When I didn’t get anything back for a few minutes, I sighed and decided I would have to go back to chi squares and type II errors. Right before I started to work though, my distraction came through. BEEP. All I got in my inbox was another “holla!”

What does that even mean? Does this person want me to just start yelling every time I get a message? Is it some kind of order that I must obey and just “holla”? Does the sender have power over me to make me do this?

Whatever, I thought. I will call them, they won’t expect that. So much for their power over me. I pressed the green button that means call. It rang and rang.

You’ve got to be kidding me. There better be an answering machine. Suddenly I heard, “You’ve reached Matt’s number! He will call you later!” in a girls voice.

“That’s Briana’s voice!” I exclaimed and hung up.

“Who the heck are you talking to?” Justin yelled from across the hall. “Be quiet!”

Opps, I guess that had been out loud.

April 30, 2012
Athletes heading to San Antonio after warmup

article for cp-leander statesmen

10:56am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZUsBZyKchUK_
Filed under: writing newspaper 
March 28, 2012
another article for the cp statesman

Vandegrift, Cedar Park and Vista Ridge headed to postseason

i have been covering lots of soccer lately ! 

11:18am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZUsBZyIhvNVE
Filed under: newspaper writing 
March 28, 2012
another article for the cp statesman

Girls soccer: Cedar Park girls go 1-1 in final week

11:17am  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZUsBZyIhvI8l
Filed under: newspaper writing 
March 14, 2012
first article for the cedar park leander statesmen

9:44pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZUsBZyH-jFlM
Filed under: writing newspaper