this thanksgiving break = rest, family time and exercise (yeah i know i just said rest but rest because i was tired from the exercise). it was almost like we were visiting because all we did was hang out with my family. it was great because both of my siblings came down at the same time for once. some high points:
we made up our own 5 mile turkey trot so the pups could get tired. no one else was on the trail and it was perfect running weather. i do love the real turkey trot, but this is was definitely more relaxing.
we went to enchanted rock and it was beautiful weather (not recommended with dogs that like to be off leash, my arm is now 2 inches longer). it is crazy to think the last time we were there was two years ago with cyn and the-guy-who-must-not-be-named…how things have changed…hahaha.
we played balderdash with my whole family. i want to remember this because playing will never be the same after playing with jen. first of all, she would forget to write the real answer after reading a few (so there goes those!) and she thought acronyms meant to just write down whatever words you wanted. for example: S.S.S.S. became “sweaty slumber sticks soup.” well at least she tried! (and the rest of us died laughing for about 20 minutes.)
i know this is cheesy, but i am extremely grateful for my family, tim, that God made us animal friends and people friends (esp ones that will go out of their way to make us vegetarian food and force you to workout, thanks b!), that we have jobs, food and opportunities to serve. now we just have to make it through 3 more weeks until our big, awesome and tiring christmas trip.
23 So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. 25 Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison. -Matthew 5
last night we talked about these verses at erin and blake’s. it was the first time i noticed that the wording here says that if you “remember that your brother has something against you.” i always skimmed for some reason and took it as if i remember that i am mad at someone, i need to talk to them, but no. this is saying if someone has something against you, it is your responsibility to “leave your offering” (meaning the religious acts we do) and go and reconcile with that person.
reconcile in the Greek = to change thoroughly
this might seem like a small difference, but it is sort of mind blowing. it means first, having the awareness that someone has something against you and second, taking the initiative to go and fix it before coming before God. can you imagine if everyone took this seriously? it just once again shows how God cares about what is going on in your heart way more than the outward show, even when it is an offering to Him!
when he goes on to talk about court, it seems like He is showing how important it is to reconcile now. i usually am like “i’ll just fix this later” and it just gets buried and never dealt with. relationships are so important to Him that he wants us to fix them as soon as we can, before time runs out and it is too late.
when we do get (the sinful kind) of angry, it is usually because we aren’t having our expectations met, and we are elevating ourselves over that person, forgetting all the times we have sinned, and forgetting the human condition. we become prideful, jealous, all sorts of bad things because for that one moment we forget that we are just as bad. reconciling forces us to confess we were wrong and humble ourselves. (not a fun thing.) we will have to talk about uncomfortable things and admit to character flaws and sin in our own life. this helps us grow and change though, and in the long run is a good thing.
when we were talking about anger, people starting asking questions like “what exactly qualifies as anger?”, “who’s fault is it in this situation?”, “who is accountable for this and that?” and tim and i both had this feeling of…this isn’t right. it reminded me of when Jesus would talk to the Pharisees and crowds and they would all ask questions like that, like “well, how far is too far? how far can i get until i’m in trouble?” and it seems like that is missing the point. Jesus says over and over how what matters is your motive and what is in your heart, but people get bogged down by specifics and exact rules.
being back in the city you grew up in, while great to be around your family again, is not great for moving forward. is that the right way to say it? not sure.
everywhere i look, everywhere i go, almost every song i listen to, almost every tv show i watch = memories! it is frustrating when i am just even walking down the road and boom, my thoughts are going down the regret path, especially during the holidays.
i am being vague, but for me it is very hard to get it out of my head when literally all around me it doesn’t stop, and i just need to write it out.
i know this is a flaw i have, not being able to let go and forgive myself for certain things. but all this memory-bombing doesn’t help. i’ve been trying to have new experiences to record over the old ones, but you can’t exactly erase your past. it is sort of a mind control exercise in that it seems like practicing is the only way to get better. or pushing it way down back into the back recesses of my mind and pretending it doesn’t exist. this is something i am trying to get away from because it has been my tactic for so long - running and avoiding. but my life did happen here and i can’t go back in time and erase it.
the bad part about all that is going on in my head is that it affects everything from my mood to my relationships. being married is hard and having ghosts crowding the room, of others and of old versions of myself, definitely doesn’t help.
why we can’t we just acknowledge our past and know that it shaped who we are today? even though we have all changed, why can’t we start over, as different people, to see if those different people could be friends?
friendships later in life are weird, especially between girls. i think since my mind wanders so much and wonders so many things and imagines every path that i could go down that makes it hurt even more. i am not great at extreme cut-offs, because i just want to know everything—what are you doing, what are you thinking, do you still ever think about me?
for example, last year i had one of my first “girl houdini” acts, where someone i got close to just disappeared and ignored me. randomly and with no explanation (i take that back, she did eventually respond with an “i’m a bitch.” and that’s it. uh? what).
apparently, this is a normal thing for girls to do to each other, it seems like every girl has some stories like this, and it hurts them just as much as me. (and this is why for so long i was drawn to boy best friends, which doesn’t bode well when you either end up dating them and losing the friendship or they eventually get married so you can’t be the best friend anymore) and as much as i tried to find out why, i had to realize i just had to let it go. as much as i angrily wanted to delete her from everywhere, i know i need to be here in case she ever does need me in the future. (another part of the “hanging on issue”, thinking she might come back some day. but i never want to completely close any door.) but it is that lingering “why” or “what could have happened if” that haunts me, in more than one situation.
and me being depressed about girl houdini and asking ,”why, why, why?” has led to multiple arguments and fights with timmy. fights that are stupid and unnecessary because i am taking out my hurt on him. especially since he is my husband meaning he is and should be my best friend, my partner in life, the one on my team, the one that will never houdini or cut me off.
anyway, that turned into a long, probably pathetic ramble.
two hours ago a poor squirrel somehow knocked out our power at work (and along with it, his life RIP) and so after a loud BOOM, some beeps, no light and confusion, we all got sent home from work. this means i am working on my couch with two snuggle bear dogs up here with me…a lot better than my cubicle!
can’t stop reading divergent. yes, i am 13 years old. and by can’t stop reading i mean going back to the dumb twilight days where i was starting to fail college (but this book is actually good i think). there are less consequences now, like not sleeping, which is fine because that is what coffee is for, right?
two weeks ago taylor and i went on a run from my parent’s house and i fell in a huge hole in the middle of an open field…after running a few miles on the cave trails, which is where you would expect to fall down. this time though (after 15 years of running on root-y trails without getting seriously hurt) i twisted my ankle so bad i threw up. i had to call in the big guns (aka noah and strange instruments) and it might be a hairline fracture. so that’s great. i finally ran yesterday though and it felt okay, so i hope that is good news, especially since i am supposed to do a 15-mile race in january.
i am loving the new avett brothers cd way more than the last one.
i am jealous of abbie for watching FNL for the first time. i wish i could have that experience again.
tim sang creed at our dive karaoke bar this weekend and it was the funniest thing. he really has a great voice for it. the dj was not very happy and when halfway through tim asked him “when is this gonna be over?!” he just looked and him and said “you did this to yourself, buddy.” true words.
i watched the lifeguard movie because kristen bell was in it and it was weird. but then i watched animal odd couples and it was the cutest show ever and made up for it. also, the room 237 documentary about the shining is full of crazy people.
i am pretty excited because i will most likely be in NYC for christmas
last week we got a surprise visit from abbie, so i thought i would write about it since she is the only one who reads my blog. (#shoutout abbz)
abbie, my little silent, innocent, awkward abbie, who ran by me for two years without saying a word, is now a flight attendant. she beat out like 400 candidates in their american idol like application process, so now she can fly anywhere for free (on her days off which are the middle of the week since she’s a newb). she has already had some great experiences, including this exchange:
man on plane: can i get a screwdriver?
abbie: uhh..hmm…sorry sir, i don’t think we are allowed to have tools on the plane
man on plane: umm don’t you have like vodka?
anyway she came in late wednesday night and i took her around exploring on thursday. we got attacked by some petitioners including one that said “ready to save some children?” to which abbie politely said “no thanks!” this was incredibly funny to us, because why is that an okay question to ask? yes i want to save children, but no i don’t want to be harassed on the street with a petition and be made to respond to that with a no…just a bad experience (but also funny) all around. maybe try asking it another way sometime?
obligatory austin picture (we were so awk taking this picture that people passing us were laughing):
hanging out in california.
it was also perfect timing because that night was the free yelp party (and we love free things). it was the perfect combo of jazz, photo-booths the most free food i’ve ever seen, and free pointless stuff that i will throw away later (like fingerless gloves and keychains. the chapstick and sunglasses were good though).
abbie and i also braved the girly set up they had and let them put lipstick on us (gross!) how do people wear it all the time? taking it off later turned into the war of paper towels against lipstick. probably need to get makeup remover like a normal human, is that what they do?
anyway, the next day she had to leave already so i took her and the dogs out on our trail to show it to her. (landmark: phoenix’s first run!) it is so flooded we can’t even cross to do more than three miles, pretty crazy. before the airport, we squeezed in some honey butter chicken biscuits for abbie (she is such a foodie, you know. i think she really came to visit just to have whataburger because of its high quality, but also maybe the sx2010 memories).
and then i had to say goodbye…for five minutes until i got 50 snapchats of her on the saddle seat. is that what it’s called?
i hope she comes back next week since she can come whenever she wants because she makes everything way more fun. here comes some boxhead, sorry abbz: abbie, you are so funny, beautiful and smart (except in the bartender ways, but you’ll learn!) and i am so proud of you for taking a risk and living out in charlotte by yourself. you are such a grown up, and i can’t wait to hear more stories of your travels. BY you hopeless quack
This weekend we got to go back to Georgia in October for the second year in a row. Sadly, it wasn’t fall looking this time, but it was still pretty. We landed and took the add-an-hour-to-your-trip “convenient” train over to the rental car area before we were able to go meet up with Jill and Stephen. (I guess I never blogged about their wedding and the Jackson Hole trip, but it was awesome!) They took us to this cool place in Atlanta called Souper Jenny where we got to meet up with Summer and Ali and eat veggie food. I hadn’t seen them for over a year (!) so we had some catching up to do.
It soon became the day of meetups because we left to go to Athens to meet Sam at Jittery Joe’s to get some life advice, and Erica joined us, regaling us with tales of the first trimester of pregnancy. Especially when it is a surprise one after only getting married in April, and living off support to work at a church.
We finally left to go eat at Transmet, only to have a disaster happen. Bad service + not getting food + #preglife = sick and hungry Erica. Timmy got to throw down a “she is with child! I am embarrassed and you should be ashamed of your service!” I guess his protective instincts kicked in. He ended up staying out with his friends and I took E home.
When we woke up the next morning, E was still sleeping, so we snuck out on a run on the old trails, and man, I forgot what it is like to run on so many roots! It was so nice to just be out there running again, with no pressure!
We got back and had to go get a wedding present (yes, we waited until the day of) and ended up just laying on beds and hanging out in the massage chairs until it was time to head out to the wedding.
Andy got married.
I got to see a bunch of old friends and also have a ton of awkward small talk with others.
We did get to drive Pez home and get some updates, and have breakfast with him, E and Jordan the next day. It was so much fun (besides E vomiting) that I didn’t want to leave! (Jordan: We’ve really been praying about this. Erica: Well, why don’t you pray me a glass of water over here right now?) Why does life have to put such distances in your life between the people you care about, especially the ones that you can be your total and real self with? Seeing people is fun but also sad because you have to leave again, and probably not see them for another year or two. Or in this case, not until there will be an addition to the fam.
I’m really grateful that on this trip we got to spend so much time with Erica, Jordan, Dom and Pezzy (I guess he is Michael now, but it is still hard to do, and since this is my blog I am going to continue to call him Pez), even if we only saw Andy & Kristen for less than 2 minutes.
(Jordan likes to model)
We also got to spend most of the rest of the day with Tim’s family (and I got another COC speech, but that topic is for another day).
Now, I’m back at work and feeling nostalgic, which seems to be happening a lot.
who would have thought, from that first day in that english class when i was 18 years old and you wore that mae shirt (that you continued to wear at least once a week for almost the entire time i’ve known you) that i would meet one the most awesome human dinosaurs that ever existed.
you always said “people don’t keep in touch, that is just how life goes, so don’t expect anything” but here we are, three years after college is over, seven (!) years after we met, and still talking every week or two.
and guess what? you are married now! the person who you imagined, prayed for and guessed about is now real, and is awesome. you have so much to give, and i’m so happy that you found someone that you can dote on and share the rest of your life with.
i’m so grateful that you put up with all the exclusive friends that were not very nice to you at first and looked at you like you were an alien because you didn’t run. and that you made me join that small group that introduced me to some (i hope!) life long friends. and that you were always up for anything, including sliding around the hall on those weird hall slippers, playing croquet, dressing up in construction paper and telling me the truth about anything. most of all i’m grateful for your faith, and the way you were so patient. and now you have some of your answers, the big ones being kristen and your church. you deserve it.
it has only been a few days but i am already exhausted. (this might have to do with being low iron because of not eating meat but that is besides the point.) i forgot what it is like having a pup again. you can’t just sit down and read or something, you always have to have your eyes on the lil guy to make sure he is not doing something bad. this is multiplied by at least ten when the pound did not fix him right, so he is dripping blood everywhere he goes and loves to jump up and snuggle. the snuggling part = super adorable, plus the fact that he makes these weird little noises when he is happy. we ended up having to take him to the vet where they were very confused about why whoever did the surgery did it like that, and he now has to wear the cone of shame. i also put some of my old racing spandex on him since he is so small, and he looked so funny. at least he let me put clothes on him! (unlike hersch, who freezes up)
some good news—even though phoenix is 1,000 times more energetic than hersch, he is not immediately paralyzed by the cone. no joke, when we had to put it on hersch a few weeks ago, he literally did not move for over two hours while we went to a museum. when we came home he was still awkwardly standing in the same spot with a huge pool of drool. phoenix, on the other hand, clumsily runs and knocks into everything with his cone head. the best part (well, that sounds kind of mean but it is funny) is that hersch is still scared of the cone even when it is not on him. so phoenix tries to chase him around and play with him while hersch runs terrified away and hides in the corner. i guess i would be scared of this huge plastic thing jumping on me and hitting me in the face all of the time. so yes, this is my interesting life at the moment. when they actually do play though, it is totally worth getting phoenix. he is also awesome off leash already and goes out on the trail with us, following us wherever we go. he loves to copy hersch and has to do everything he does. it will just take some time for (very independent) h to get used to, especially when he has been extremely spoiled and an only-dog his whole life.
it is amazing how such simple things can give you so much joy in life, like watching two dummies run around biting each other.
i guess i should write about this weekend because some (semi) big things happened.
first, i went to acl for the first time. i also took my bike down to get there, and it was awesome! it is so much easier than dealing with any other sort of traveling. i was pretty blown away by how many people were there. i mean, i’d heard about it but had never really paid attention to acl in the past, and after fff, this was massive. it reminded me of how sx is now. it was fun being able to just walk across to different stages though, and it dumped some awesome rain for a bit during purity ring. (they are one of the worst bands i’ve ever seen live, but i don’t blame them. well, i kind of do, they could try to make it a little interesting). that was a pretty big theme of the weekend—bands not doing anything exciting on stage. is it now “too cool” to have a stage presence? i guess haim was an exception, and the one song of walk the moon that we saw. everyone else was yawn-tastic. anyway that is enough of my rant on that. when we rode back down on saturday, it was fun but so hot. sarah got to come down and join, so that was cool too. the only one that stuck out to me that day was autre ne veut because that dude is a little strange, in a good way. he was either on drugs, having a religious experience or putting on a really great persona.
side funny story: we were not early to see vampire weekend, so we were sort of in the back, not too far but a good distance. this group of older people (literally wearing cat shirts) would not stop talking through the WHOLE show…so that was not cool because i would have loved to get have their spot since they were in front of us, and it was super distracting. when vw played their last song, the old people finally stopped talking, looked at each other and were like “OMG is this vampire weekend!” and immediately started dancing and trying to sing…..it was hilarious and led to the rest of the weekend us asking each other at every show “OMG is this VW?” probably had to be there. and be as dehydrated and delirious as we were. sidenote to the sidenote: i am not sure i think acl is worth the money. it is fun, but i dont know…i also was not expecting the 55,023 old people and frat boys. it was so diverse!
and yes…then acl got canceled on sunday. which was sad, but entertainment was still available on their social media sites with all of the hilarious comments and the fake ACL secret show twitter account. people are funny on the internet. i think it was the first time acl has ever been canceled in its history, just my luck. we ended up going to church super late and hearing a sermon about how everyone needs a best friend, a real one. he used the example of when monkeys are super stressed, their stress level goes down by half when their best friend monkey is there with them (i was not okay with this story because of the animal testing) aka everyone needs a monkey…aka hersch needs a monkey. obvious connection! this led to me going through the pound web pages with pangs of sorrow about all of the sad dogs and how terrible humans are to treat animals like this (another soapbox i need to get off, but i won’t—get your animals from the pound for goodness sakes) and saw a pretty adorable face that looked just like clifford.
so we ended up driving down, and after looking through rows and rows of sad eyes, we couldn’t find him, only to find out he was in surgery, so we couldn’t see him. sarah met up with us because she was just as bored as us with no acl, and we played with a few older dogs that i fell in love with but were just too big. right when we were about to give up (this is literally after a few hours of playing with random dogs and remembering my dream of having a dog farm to save them all, while also having their sad eyes haunt me) i checked the website again, and they had moved original dog out from surgery into a pen where we could see him right before closing!
we went to visit the lil groggy guy and he was so sweet. we were also informed it was free day. with all of this coming together (and the way tim looked at him) how could we pass it up? as we were filling out the paperwork, i was starting to panic, but it was too late. what were we doing? even though we had been talking about getting another dog for about a year, i still wasn’t completely sure about it. (i am probably still not sure) even though two dogs aren’t really that big a difference in care taking, it is more trying to get people to watch them while we are traveling and all that…plus we are going out of town this weekend so it was bad timing. pushing all of that aside, we took our new baby home that night. as soon as we sat down in the car we looked at each other and were like “uh what did we just do!” but hersch and brook love him, he didn’t cry in his crate, and he is pretty cute. but now i have to remember how to train a pup again…esp since he was a wanderer his whole life so he has no idea how to do anything.
i think we are calling him phoenix because that is who we didn’t get to see on sunday for acl. “if we can’t see phoenix, might as well bring home a pup named phoenix!”
as yes, as pathetic as it is, i did have a quarter-life crisis a few months ago (as sarah pointed out, it wasn’t even a quarter-life crisis yet, thank you for that s). as someone once told me, growing up is a hard pill to swallow, and i will admit that as many times as people tell you things about time flying, etc it is true (unless you are doing a really mundane work task, in which the time NEVER ends for you to be able to get home to your pup).
i have never been a big picture goal type of person (unless it is a REALLY big, ridiculous dream) and i am not good at creating and following steps to get there because i am a procrastinator. for the longest time after i graduated, my goal was just to get a job, get a job, get any job, because come on, i need to be contributing to society! but really, that was not a fun period because i was trying to prove my worth with a job. now that i am on the other side and have been working for over a year, i can see that the Lord was making me wait so i could get this job. i still get antsy though, especially when you imagine yourself being a fancy, successful, gossip-girl type NYC magazine editor by 25 (told you i only had massive dreams) or actually, you can’t see yourself ever as older than you are right at that moment. but in reality, i’m not good at decisions or knowing what i want specifically, which is pretty important when you want to make goals. i did hear on the radio the other day that the “adult” age has been raised to 25, so maybe now that i am here i will be able to figure that out. at the moment, working doesn’t seem as important to me as being happy and having a good work-life balance and great co-workers.
it’s funny how no matter how much you try to picture your future, when you get there, there is almost nothing familiar in the landscape. the people you loved and thought would always be in your life aren’t even on the fringe, and you’ve met people you think now will def be in your life forever now, but who knows? things can change before you can even take the next breath. there is no way to prepare for it or expect it. and maybe that is a good thing, keeps you on you toes.
what i do know is that i still have some major growing to do, some great people around to experience it with me, and old dreams coming back around to chase down.
so one of my co-workers (who pretty much invented one of the databases i work with) left for a new job, but left behind some awesome surprises for us to find to cheer us up that he is gone. on friday i found:
unicorns (by finding the small tab that said “increase unicorns” and it is never ending! i can add as many unicorns as i want, and they are all sparkly!)
and today i found:
oh, those nerdy, smart people! it definitely makes my day 1,453 times better when i find these though!
“I wish that single event was enough to forever shake off the bad marks I’ve got on me, but it isn’t. I still doubt. I still believe the lies of the marks. I still, like lots of other Christians, forget who I am. I still give other people’s words too much power. I don’t have it all figured out. Instead, more than anything, life feels like it’s been a long series of believing that I am not who other people define me to be, I am a son of God. I am God’s work of art. And the more I have been open to believing that, the more He’s shown me it’s true.”—Jon Acuff, The Little Girl’s Tattoo
this past weekend we did one of the weirdest things i have probably ever done…but it turned out great!
on wednesday, i sent out an email to the core group and told them that we had “big news that we couldn’t hold in much longer.” (i am actually pretty proud of how perfect the wording of that email was.) unbeknownst to nat and noah, though, we were planning a surprise engagement party for them. i knew that nothing short of drastic action would get them “way up north” to our house.
immediately, i started getting texts about how natalie was freaking out with all of the ideas she thought the big news was going to be (especially the baby angle). i could not stop creepily laughing to myself. noah also probably told nick some witch doctor talk about how he could tell i was pregnant by my electrical levels or something.
so anyway, friday night b & s came up and we went on an adventures for party supplies. first, we wanted to make sure that there were some “baby” decorations (including bear streamers and a huge pink banner) to throw them off. not too hard to find at the dollar tree (which i totally forgot how amazing of a land that place is, full of great things!) engagement decorations were another thing altogether, so just ended up getting some ring pops, blank posters and balloons. the rest of the time in the store was spent looking at glowsticks, dinosaur masks (and running around acting like dinos) and i even found my old erasure i used to have in middle/high school (yes, it lasted that long!)
when we got back, s went home, and b stayed to finish icing her hippie cupcakes and torturing hersch with the balloons. this was also when, staring at the blank posters (the plan was to have a baby poster at first, then rip it down and have the real engagement party poster underneath) i had ah-ha moment. tommy wisau’s “we are esspectin!” quote was perfect for the fake poster! tim ended up drawing a pretty good representation of ol’ tommy and we kept listening to “you are tearin me apart lisa” dubstep the rest of the night.
and then…the day of the big surprise came! everyone else came over to help with last minute planning and then the wait began…and the wait…they always do take forever!
waiting to welcome them at the front door was this creepy creation:
they walked in and tim yelled “we’re expecting!” and then, after letting them scream a little bit with fake excitement (we all know they don’t want us to have a baby, and neither do we!) “not! welcome to your engagement party!”
sarah ripped down the pink thing to reveal the fancy moos table. and the screaming continued.
the rest of the night was spent eating awesome food (and hippie cupcakes), laughing (so cheesy, i know!) and playing just dance 4, the most entertaining wii game to watch people play of all time. it was pretty awesome (and also weird).
congrats future moos!!
just in case there is any confusion—-no there is no baby! for anyone!
“Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world. They are from the world; therefore they speak from the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God. Whoever knows God listens to us; whoever is not from God does not listen to us. By this we know the Spirit of truth and the spirit of error…So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. God is love….There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear…We love because he first loved us." -1 John 4
Taking the Spiritual Gifts Precepts class after Covenant was disappointing. It seemed scattered and like it was pulling at straws. It was just like the author searched the word “gifts” in the Bible and would make us look up verse after verse, giving us no time to study the context. (And come to find out that spiritual gifts isn’t even a word used in the Greek ever in the Bible! It translates into “spiritual persons” or “spirituals.”)
Unfortunately, through the weeks I got more and more negative about this class, and frustrated because no one could ever seem to answer the questions I had. Especially since Precepts is based on studying Greek root words and cross-references and always having proof of where the verse came from…this one just seemed flat. I know I am too skeptical for my own good (I was raised Presbyterian, you know) and I always wanted more and more evidence.
So needless to say, I don’t think I learned what my gift is from this class. It left me with more questions than when I began. (A good thing, because I will keep researching.) Do I even believe in SGs the way that she laid it out? Do I believe that taking an online test will tell you the gift that the HS gives you (a miraculous, undeserved gift to be told through a multiple choice test? No offense to people who take those and find theirs). To me it seems like my gift should be something that I could never do on my own, that has to be something that the HS gave me, or even different ones at different times that the HS wants to use me.
There is that negativity again! Part of the reason the HS didn’t show me my gift was probably because of this attitude. I did learn more Greek though. (It is not coming back to me after my one year of failing in college.) No shame plug for my work—I don’t know how I would have done all of this homework without WORDsearch.
The one thing that hit me hard was on the last day of the homework where we studied 1 Corinth 13. Love is more important than any of these gifts. We cross-referenced with 1 John and while counting how many times he used the word love it hit me. We love because He first loved us. Such a simple sentence, yet so profound. All of this is because He loved us first! I forget that all the time—that we don’t deserve any of this, and it was all Him. And how could we not love others in return out of sheer awe and gratefulness? So no matter how I feel about the SG class, it doesn’t matter. What matters is if I can love others who have a difference of opinion, because that is way more important. And who knows, maybe one day in the future all of this will make sense to me. This could just be a building block for something that I don’t know.
The most difficult thing, it seems, is being able to admit when your love is going nowhere. Speaking personally, I have watched as more than one friendship proved themselves to be entirely one-sided, when my attempts to connect with the person (even in forums as non-committal as sending a Gchat), were proving increasingly pathetic. I was just way more into them than they were to me, and there is always a certain amount of pain in admitting that. You don’t want to confront this person and tell them, “Hey, look at all of these nice things I do and efforts I make for you, and you don’t do any of these things in return,” because it is a sad thing to do.
It’s sad because the truth is that they don’t owe you their friendship or their love. They don’t owe you the same kind of relationship you desire from them. You can’t insist, through repeated action, that someone is now indebted to you because you have proven that you are worth of something. We make the choice to keep giving our attention and love to someone who has clearly demonstrated that they don’t want it, and it is always their choice to make if they one day decide they want to start reciprocating.
But to break the cycle and force yourself to stop initiating contact, to stop making effort, and to stop caring about their response — that is much harder. That means admitting that you have lost a battle you didn’t even want to acknowledge you were fighting. But when we’re trying to get someone to love us back, it’s always a battle. And it’s one we’re almost always guaranteed to lose.